As you can tell by my posts the last few weeks, I’ve been fairly angry for many reasons. Actually, for years if we’re being honest here. And I should take my own advice and just shut up. But we all know that is when I yell the loudest. I’m not making light of it – it’s just a personality flaw.
I try to listen to everything that each person is saying and try to see their side of things… facial expressions… ideas… well within reason anyway, as long as it doesn’t totally go against my personal belief system. I also try to walk a mile in their shoes; what brought them to this point in their life?
Sometimes we can never know what people say nor why they do the things they do, or have the phobias that they have and so on. I don’t try to analyze it or pick it apart like I used to. Some things just aren’t for me to know. It took years for them to develop and nothing I say or do will change that. Change only comes from within. A real – Want Too and I’ve noticed that most people just don’t want to, or they just can’t figure how or why they do the things they do. I don’t know really nor do they.
I think this is why I find dead peoples lives far more fascinating than live ones. This way you can fantasize about their lives, was it what they wanted or was it thrust upon them? Was it a simple and care-free existence or harsh and cold? I wonder what drove them to do the things they did. The lies they told or the things they hid from those they claim to love and care about.
I also try to deduce the reasoning behind their lies. When someone lies for whatever reason, it creates mistrust. Then when that truth is known, it almost always comes to light at some point, people never trust anything that you have ever said before or done after. It’s sad really. I feel like I come from a long line of liars. One family member made the joke that she thought “Her family lied from the womb.” I’ve said it many times before, “People can handle the truth once they are given time to take it all in, it’s the lies that they can’t process.” Once a liar… always a lair? I always wonder, “What else did they lie about and why?”
I’m venting as you can clearly tell and this is just some of my frustrations of the last few weeks. Luckily, most of you don’t read my daily thoughts and ramblings, just the facts of my genealogy reports and family trees, so I can say pretty much, whatever I’m thinking here and not have to worry about any long term damage done or loss of respect.
I love my family and almost never talk about their individual lives, well the living ones anyway, because basically there are more Lies here than Lives. Most of them are basically good people, just trying to live with their pasts, their present and pondering their futures. Dealing with problems that brought them to today along with their hopes, their dreams and their desires.
My problem is… I have so many of them; I wish I had more time to delve into their thoughts and reasoning’s, their daily lives. Some I only see at functions, such as weddings, funerals, etc. I need to get out amongst the living more. I need to find their lives as fascinating as the deceased. I think my time could be spent wisely, over a good cup of coffee, polite company, pleasant conversation and the ponderings of a new generation. No real rhyme or reason… just my time.
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I’m a Libra, and I can hold a grudge… For Life… as most of you already know. I’ve even been known to be spiteful every now and then, I am a woman. So if you get on my bad side, chances are you will remain there for as long as we both shall live. I often make jokes about, “How to Kill A Dead Man!” it may even be the title of my new book. I always say that I’m not going to write a book but again last week, I received two more requests. I think that I say… what I think… here often enough for people to know what I’m thinking and how I feel about most situations or circumstances in my life.
“If it’s on my brain… it comes out my mouth.” I try to be honest and say how things have affected me without over sharing. But I never write anything earth shattering or tell the dirt on… or purposely try to be spiteful. And believe me I could. There is lot of things that need to be said, but is it my place to tell it?
Sometimes, I think people should know more about who I really am and what I think but then again why? It’s not me that you’re interested in… It’s my work. So there is no reason to cloud the two or put more of me into it than need be. My work is a collaboration of a lot of people; we share our research, our thoughts and ideas. So, I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and stick to the task at hand.
But boy when you’re dead – believe me – I’m going to pick your bones apart. Not just me, but all those who come after me, with the same quest for answers, with their own questions and interpretation of the events in your life. So be very aware. It’s not just me…
I’ll be the first to admit at times, I ask too many questions, sometimes even the wrong ones, deductive reasoning, but I often wonder why they shared this or that or why they chose those words. What did they forget or not tell about the person or story? With each answer come more questions; things they have left to the (my) imagination.
What story is steeped with lies… what’s the reasoning behind the untruths, the little white lies or half-truths? Even when everyone in the room knows they’re lying they continue to tell the same lame story. I’ve found that most lies are left as truths over the years, never corrected, even in a room where everyone knows the truth or what they perceive to be the truth anyway, I guess ignorance is bliss.
I’ve seen first hand, people that spend more time trying to cover it up a lie then just living with it. The truth of why things happened the way they did or the people involved is the only thing I really care about. Sometimes, I rarely think of the players, just the events. It’s true what they say, “unless you were a fly on the wall, you could never know the truth or the real reason why.” I’m not even sure that they did at the time or that they ever stopped to think about the whys, and/or why they still feel the need to keep secrets they do. What is the worst that can happen? The truth shall set you free!
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My oldest sister Shirley as most of you know has so many illnesses, that it would be a book all of its own. She is so funny now at this age, when she was younger she never had a harsh word to say about anyone. She loved everybody and never talked about them. She worked so hard to get people to like her and to fit in. Now that she’s older, she’s plagued with that old lady, busy-body disease – she has to know everything that is going on in everyone’s lives, everyday. I don’t know it may just be a syndrome or the side effects of her medication, or maybe even time catching up with her, I’m not even sure what she thinks we’re all about to do or say that is so noteworthy, but she’s on our case. She knows everyone’s secrets. One day she may crack and write a book of her own or start screaming them from the roof top as she should have years ago. Nah… Not her way.
Both of my brothers are sick as well. I don’t mean to make light if their illnesses compared to hers nor can I share what either of them has with the world. It’s not my place to talk about it. It’s their story to tell and I do respect that. Each of us carries our own burdens and the way we cope is as individual as we are; some things are very personal.
Although, there are many aspects of their lives they should get a grip on besides their illnesses. Like what brought them to this point. How many miles it took to get there? Most sickness, I think, comes from aging and/or is brought on by your lifestyle. Shirley’s wasn’t, but I’m speaking in general here… the bible say’s “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this THE JUDGMENT.” Hebrews 9:27. Something is going to kill us; whether it’s from old age or a house falls on us… it’s going to happen. It’s easiest to face when it’s a death after a lengthy illness; almost comforting. But while were alive and remain, we need to share our lives, our experiences and our truths with our families or they will be left to ponder the ways.
I do feel sorry for my brothers, that they should have to go through what they must, and I hate to admit that my brother’s lives are made for TV movies or at the very least, an episode of Jerry Springer and most of their problems are self-inflicted. I’ve heard said, “That each of us has a book in us,” but some things just aren’t fit to write about. Other stories are too pitiful or too painful to hear and some… just too personal.
So before you speak or write (me included) take a minute to weigh the results of your actions. Is anyone in the room or world going to benefit from knowing the outcome of a particular story? Is it fact or merely gossip? Will someone be hurt or angry by my words? Even facts can be told by or to the wrong person. It’s all on a need to know basis. If you want to tell me something, please call me, stop by for coffee, or mail me a letter. I’m pretty happy with a paragraph in an email; I’m not hard to please. I’ll do you the same kindness in return.
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I’ll leave you with this thought… When Angry: Are my comments really worth the discord in a Family, in a Friendship, in a Marriage or in a Life? Decide…
For me: I believe respect should be given until it is shown to not be appreciated or returned. You may not agree with what I have to say or the way I say it… but I hope you respect my right to say it, my feelings about it and what I choose to or choose not to keep to myself. It’s my Life… my Words… my Family. Let Me Decide.
There are two times when you should keep your mouth shut: when swimming and when angry. ~ An Unknown and Me
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