SOUTHERN HUMOR

here’s a little ditty from the inbox…

Southern Humor

The South – You Gotta Love It

Alabama

A group of  Alabama  friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.”Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?”
they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter.  “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in  Georgia  was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the  University  of  Georgia  and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Mississippi

The young man from  Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the
flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep“, he replied. “That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage‘.”

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.  ~ Janice Maeditere

 

Never underestimate

the power of laughter.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. ~ JENNIFER JAMES

 

Sites Of The Month – Great Sites To Check Out In June

WHO on Swine Flu
http://who.int/en – Looking for authoritative information about the H1N1 flu virus (otherwise known as swine flu)? The World Health Organization (WHO) website is a good place to get it. This comprehensive site offers public health guidelines, updates on reported cases, pandemic status alerts, travel advice, and FAQs.

Instructables
http://instructables.com – Go here to learn how to do just about anything better. The site features instructions for do-it-yourself projects in a wide variety of categories such as arts and crafts, games, gardening, music, pets, and technology. User-friendly videos and photos guide you through the projects, and user comments offer firsthand accounts of what it’s like to work on them.

Go Condo
http://pickpackgo.com – Take a trip through vacation rentals at hundreds of locations worldwide. Now is a great time to find a good deal on a condo and, since condos have kitchens, you can also save on restaurant costs by cooking for yourself. To use the site, just enter your destination, travel dates, preferred price, and other details to get your results. Photos and visitor comments provide a realistic description of each property.

The Grilling Coach
http://thegrillingcoach.com – It’s grilling season! And if anyone knows grilling, it’s Richard Myers, otherwise known as The Grilling Coach. This site offers detailed instructions about all things related to grilling including recipes, safety instructions, how to improve your grilling skills, and grill buying guides. Check out the instructional videos for more “hot tips.”

View the New You
http://weightview.com – Ever wonder what you will look like when you lose those extra pounds? Now you don’t have to wait for it to happen to find out. The WeightView site allows you to upload a photo of yourself and specify how much weight you’d like to lose, then sends you back an image of you at your target weight. You can use this image to motivate yourself to stay proactive about your goals. Check out the blog and join the community for additional support.

 

A Vivre Vignette

Yesterday, we tried to go to dinner and a movie. I don’t know why we even bother. For once again, it was a major ordeal; needless to say that dinner was a catastrophe and no movie. We were going to go to the Outback but Anthony thought since Lone Star was adjacent to the Cinema we could get in and out with plenty of time to catch the 7:50 p.m. show.

Even though I totally really dislike everything about Lone Star, the loud, so called country music, the ambience and then there are the drunks. I reluctantly agreed to go. Anthony really wanted to see the new Clint Eastwood movie and I didn’t want to disappoint. He muttered, “Get-off my lawn”, all thru the evening. Starting in the car ride over.

We got to the restaurant before 6:15 p.m. so it should have gone off without a hitch. I talked to a friend while I was there, I hadn’t seen her in a while, she was there having dinner with friends and they were waiting on a table as well. This was the highlight of the evening. It was to be a 20-30 minute wait but it should have been more than enough time to be seated and have a comfortable dinner before the show. It took them 55 minutes from the time we were seated (after our 20 minute wait) to the time our meal arrived at the table. They do serve you some really raunchy peanuts so you don’t starve, while you wait. I had ordered a trio meal the others all ordered steak. My food was cold so I asked them which one had hot food so I knew who to blame for the wait. But since they were all three fairly cold… it must have been the kitchen.

The manager did try to make it right with us but for our many reasons we couldn’t allow him to treat us to dinner. We had just witnessed the couple at the table next to ours, treated in a similar manner, get their food for free; Anthony made the comment that the restaurant can’t stay in business if no one pays for their meal. I make it a point to pay regardless of the service because then I feel like I have paid for the right to complain. If you accept the free meal then you must also accept their substandard service, without comment. I don’t want it free; I want them to fix the problem.

I can wait until next week to see Clint, actually I don’t care if I ever see Clint but Anthony loves action movies and he has wanted to see this movie since the first commercial. I have to stop running TIVO when he see the commercial so he doesn’t miss it. Next week we will go to the early show and stop at Taco Bell on the way. At least at Taco Bell you know the food is bad and it’s a dirty restaurant on the way in so drive thru and eat in the car and watch the movie. No worries!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Everyone is a house with four rooms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.”
-Rumer Godden

 

What makes life worth living?

According to Socrates, the unexamined life is not worth living… so in examining your life you need to decide what it is that you have done or not done to make you feel whole.

• Anniversaries
• Birthdays
• Charities
• Death and Funerals
• Diet and Exercise
• Etiquette
• Folklore
• Fraternal Orders
• Gardening
• Genealogy
• Holidays
• Military
• Noble Peace Prize
• Parties and Entertaining
• Politics and Modern Events
• Regional customs and Society
• Relationships
• Religion
• Shopping
• Signs & Signals
• Thrifty Living
• Travel
• Urban Legends
• Volunteering
• Weddings
• World Records

Life Happens – worthy or not?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. — Buddha

 

Happy New Year!

2009 is upon us and brings with it hope for a better year. Those of us who are optimistic see the New Year as containing many exciting new challenges and opportunities. Those of us who are pessimists tend to dwell on the problems of last year and see those continuing. We each have the personal decision to take as to how we’ll view the start of this year. I have always been of the belief that each New Year will be as good as I make it…no better and no worse. I am also a firm believer in attitude making a big difference in our lives. If we pursue each day with a positive attitude, we’re much more likely to end each day feeling good about how we spent it. The choice is mine, and not anyone else’s. Obviously, we’d define some days as being better than other days, but each has its special lesson for us if we search that out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have the opportunity

Once more to right some wrongs,

To pray for peace, to plant a tree,

And sing more joyful songs!”