~The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

~I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

~She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

~A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

~The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

~No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

~A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

~A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

~Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

~Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

~Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

~I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

~A sign on the front lawn at a drug rehab center warned “Keep off the Grass”.

~A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet”.

~A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~A backward poet writes inverse.

~In democracy, it is your vote that counts. In feudalism, it is your count that votes.

~When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

~Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

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The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability. ~ Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849

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